"Consider this a love crime"

10:34pm. The room translates a mind in search of solace.

Your place feels just like you. A mess trying to disguise itself under a fancy rug. Neglected by what you will always considere to be of higher priority. Your professional aptitude and potential are not to be doubt. This has to do with your heart; with you becoming fulfiled and happy without the undertone of your competitive nature. But I tried to "fix" it. Hell, I tried to fix anything I could around you so I could figure you deeper withing, where the passions flourish and the real soar scratches everytime you are confronted. It's not welcoming anymore. I'm an intruder in your place.

The limits were drawn by you, and I stubbornly tried to expand them against your will. Only when I realised how powerless I was, everytime I'd reach a wall it would hurt. Over and over, until I noticed myself bruised all over my body... all over my soul. Opened wounds that you expected me to cover up so you could pretend they were not there when I smiled, tearing my flesh further down the bones. Helpless and violent as a cornered up beast, I would attack.

It was neither fault.
Just a simple divergence and lack of desires.
I can't ressonate in you if you don't open up "the lit".

I was overtaken by the feeling we were loose, as our vulgarized proposals pilled up on the right corner of your couch. I longed for a common ground in which we could grow together, yet all the great times we had did not reverberate beyond themselves. When I'd go back home, I had nothing to hold on to besides the yearning of a next call and the rescue of abandoned promisses in a couple of dusty shells. No projects, no plans, no discussing our future toguether. Nothing but waiting until you'd tell me when you'd be available again. I craved for a connection that only seemed to exist when we were phsically close.

"By now i know when you'll freak out... It's becoming theatrical" you said. If you knew it, it means you understandood, at least a little... or just enough. Yes, I'd probably "freak out" on each and every new situation you would decide not to include me as part of your family... And hurricane's sixth birthday was a poking and twisting knife between my ribs, which you rathered keep pushing, calling my outbursts bullshit.

"STOP THE BULLSHIT"!

I couldn't stand being around her anymore, knowing you would remain stagnant behind the paradox of your uneasyness to expose her to our relationship until you decided we were "solid enough", and the fact your "adjournments" would only increase our distance by the day... week... month... Gee Adam, I spent the whole freaking year waiting for great news. For a commitment that showed how much you wanted to be with me... That I would not be alone giving all I had.

And no. NO! She doesn't deserve to be exposed to our confrontations, just like she never was in any moment. But she deserves to learn about the real world. She needs to be exposed to the unconveniences and frustrations of life... To your real emotions. I don't mean for her to carry the responsability of your wellbeing on her tinny shoulders, but to learn her dad has feelings that she should respect and naturally care for - she already has such a caring nature. Nurture it! Guide her towards external awarness, colective growth and empathy. Teach her how to help others develope too, not yell at them when they don't meet her expectations. I promisse you she will be able to handle greater frustrations with conviction, instead of falling and expecting others to fix it. Inspire her to have the courage and confidence to climb a tree; to ask for help when needed; to feel protected, not dependent; to not fear possible falls, neither expose herself to unecessary dangers, nor hide her wounds and insecurities in fear of repression. Damn it. Just how complex is it to rise a kid? And this was only a hypotetical climb of a freaking tree! You know I would have been a great influence to your kid. You know I would never want to expose her to our discussions if they would not add up to her development. You've only been hiding your fears in these excuses you've been giving me. I wonder if you are afraid to expose yourself to a new family core and navigate through her other family half, or if you don't want me specifically to be it.

You became exhausted of my obsessive attempts to figure out your relationship with your ex, yet you never gave me satisfying answers. Finally, on the phone, you told me it was not like there was nothing, rather it's just that you didn't want to talk about it. Yet I'd still feel this meaningful episode in your life reverberate. But hold on there! I'm not questioning your present feelings but you act like your passt influences you only through conscious thoughts and it's not fair that you also project this foolish understanding onto me. It's so hard to navigate through this unrealistic practicability. This straightforward enjoyment and idea that my emotional responses are bullshit if you can not understand them in these shallow guidelines, in the same time you are rarely opened to understand them when I give the time to explain them again and again. I struggled because I was never truely understood, but only expected to believe I was, and be happy without longing for more than you already had to offer - the "more" that I needed. So I had to give up on it. Stop worrying. And it seemed like this would have to be the case with everything else. I would have to stop worrying about you so we could be a practical happy couple when you had the time. All I wanted was empathy from you, so you would help me navigate calmly in my lower curves, reminding me it would all get better.

I never used my pms, nor the adhd and the medication as an excuse. They would only ever amplify the side effects of the neglected responsabilities that you were not ready to comply. Chemical curves that would allow for things to shake up and ressurface like flying rays from the water. I never said it was not me.

You would constantly say things in order to convince yourself that I was wrong for exposing you to my problems, making me feel ashamed of them; that you didn't have to adapt for the sake of our mutual development; and that you were always right to be mad at me - even if you rightfully were at times. Afterall, you were giving me all you could in terms of time, money and energy. But don't think I didn't cherish these efforts less. As a matter of fact, they would inspire me to help you with things I could offer, like keeping your place clean and organized. And it was from the heart until the psychological chalanges started to take too much energy out of me. I mean, you have all the right to be mad and angry as much as you please. Catharsis is necessary, but things should be discussed and adaptations should be made in both ways so development can take place.

You have a terrible habit of getting bad moments and generalising them as part of my nature. Psychological flaws are not like work place mistakes. Falling on their traps is not a sign of stupidity but a sign of struggle against problems that haven't yet been overcomed. I lost track of what is great in me. All these things weaken me to the limit. Which is a terrible thing. Because I didn't want us to end up like this. Gosh Adam, I didn't want to.
I wanted to feel protected just as much as I wanted to protect you as a whole. But I couldn't.

I know. It's a passional gut spilling, and I'm shattered, but I don't want to judge you based on my personal ideals at all. You are not less of a person for not fulfilling my expectations. You don't ever have to change beyond what you believe is necessary - and only you can tell what's necessary in your life! I'm only trying to expose my reasons and perhaps discribe what could have been a better scenario for us to work our diferences. But I'm hopeful (not presumptuous) that the best for you is to be close to a person just as "practical" as you wished I was, along with all that you assumed to be good in me. A person that is not so patologically curious and willing to push your limits before you're ready. Who wont insist on getting to know you deeper than what is necessary to have this practical relationship, where the two have separate lifes yet are able to enjoy your spare time toguether as greatly as possible - without knwoing both your pasts in details, your obscure childhood experiences, the stories behind the scar on your lips, the charming moles hidden on your scalps. It's not a matter of time. Perhaps you are not hard wired to be interested in a more psychologicaly intimate relationship. Perhaps you just don't need all this to be happy. This is neither better nor worse, it's just diferent. I just couldn't accept it because my nature demands uttermost intensity, and I hoped you'd want to join me in this endeavour because I love you. But I did not manage to inspire you. I got weak beforehand and started to attack you, when all I wanted was to viciously drag you into a metaphorical pool of melting souls where we could be part of each other.

Funny how we ended up.

Now your presence is imprinted all over my mind. It will be a hard task to stop watering these seeds. Fucking hell, the good things were all so beautiful, so powerful and unique... But not enough to keep the weigh of the mismatches to fall over our heads.

In your house, I realised I was not ready to let go. I acted upon an ongoing barganing stage of grief. So I held on to everything that was a symbol of my love to you, hoping I would trigger a passionate reaction out of your ressignified posture towards me. I hoped for you to go crazy and show up on my door so we could work on this bargain toguether. Maybe break a couple of glasses before fucking our brains out on the kitchen sink. But you only attacked me and made me feel like I did it in bad faith to hurt you. Again: didn't go as planned. And I'm sorry for my impulsive selfish behaviour... I really am. I even payed top money to hire a driver on demand, no questions asked - gettaway style, before you could come back home... I thought my colorful note would grant it a cinematographic charm. Hard cheese. It only enraged you and made you feel violated. Gosh, I should know better between movies and reality. I did not want this... Oh creature, you can have your letters, drawings and portrait back.

You can have all that's left.

And no: There will be nobody 'like me' around. Neither like you.
There will be nobody so eager to get under your skin and so passionatly drawed by every inch of it as I am. So willing to get to know you... so willing to give in. Other people would probably not have walked the extra mile under the same circumstances, or would just idealise you to their taste and let you go when the external shine of the relationship finally sucumbed to time, without ever getting in touch with the ravishing complexity of your personality. Neither will there be somebody who inspires me to all this again. After learning so much about you, and pouring so much of myself into you, I became vulnerable... I was unprepared. You were never willing to embrace me in my insecurity because you were also insecure. It's understandable and I'm very sorry for it too. Damn it, I am.

I wished so much that you would want to have me plenty.
That our love was greater than our uncertainties, not part of them!
But it was not the case. Even after two years, I was still overshadowed by your concern with your ex and who knows what else.

While I could be "everything you wanted", you did not want "everything I wish to be".
I can't ressonate in you.
So I'm taking myself back, but I'm taking you with me. The part that can never be replaced, along with all the memories that shaped me to the person I've become.

You are part of me.

My eyes feel like stung by wasps. I can't conceive this city without you. There is so much pouring to do. So many feelings that now become aimless... I need a new recepient... A bigger one... I need to be transplanted into a forest where I can grow freely and have my roots diving as deep as they can.

I'm devastated that you were not the one. At least not at this time of our lifes.
But we were the ones for each other when we met, and for as long as we were able to uplift eachother's spirits in such a hostile environment as São Paulo.

I'm so happy to know you Adam. I'm so happy that we lived all that we lived.
And if you can still find in you the strenght to keep me in your life, I will always be here. Cheering for you. Longing that time might bring us more wisdom and perhaps one day...


You are loved Adam.
And so am I.