segunda-feira, novembro 12, 2018

Some eyes have mirrors in them

It’s tempting to let ourselves indulge in bias that support our self-importance, making us believe our experiences are always stronger and more meaningful than those of others. That our perspectives are a higher asset to humanity’s potential as a species and that others should adapt to the almighty poetry of our mindsets and not the other way around. But very little of us know any better. As a matter of fact, we can only so well learn about the world in our own terms and limited mirror neurons stock. And for as long as we are fortunate enough to live around those who are more or less likeminded, posing as no threat to our opinions and causing very little tension in order to push us further beyond the pre-determined bubbles that make up for the base of our individuality, chances are that we will remain in mental homeostasis if we decide we are fine as it is.
Changes only happen when there is a disruption on the energetic balance of a system, and they are usually driven towards ways that can reestablish this balance with the least amount of energy loss. This is why some stars collapse, others explode, and animals who are more suitable to adapt to changes will lead the course of evolution. But when it comes to creatures who seem to have lost track of how complex the balance of their systems have become, such as us, it is only natural to expect a constant sense of chaos trying to keep track of all the possible disruptions and which one to give priority in order to what specific finality. And believe me: my brain is constantly trying to block heuristics and draw new patterns that can give clues of what would be the best answers to this problem, in every slightly different situation I’m facing. This means I’m far behind on the spectrum line of optimized energy use and my contribution to the world will most likely be ephemeral and cultural rather than… well, genetic.
Obviously, this text is all about me and my perspective on the subject, giving the first paragraph more of an apologetic tone instead of a proper neutral introduction to the subject. Subject being: YES! I am stuck in a new relationship that is driving me nuts in the same ratio it is making me happy. And before you ask yourself, these are not contradictory statements, I’m not saying I’m evenly happy and mad, I’m saying I’m around 50% happy and 50% going insane in the brain.
And considering that in other times of my life, I would have turned my ice queen shoulder or simply lost interest for i.e. whoever dared disagree with my taste in music, the fact I’m literary banging my head against the wall and chewing the inside of my mouth as I try to physically compensate the mental stress to which I’m exposed as I try to crack the solutions to the problems between us, is enough statement as it is.

'This relationship has a tremendous personal appeal to me'.

I feel like the tensions being produced here can provide opportunities for great changes. Not the ones that are beneficial only to the relationship itself, but to a mutual personal growth. If I… no… If ‘we’ manage to find the points of balance that allow our energies to flow dynamically through productive channels, we can really potentialize ourselves. Unfortunately, our tensions tend to either be based on differences that are actually motivated by similar personality traits, or insecurity and traumatic triggers for either one of us, that cause us to assume a self-protective posture, and a little too often we face a dead end where instead of preparing a ground for fruitful discussion, it turns into a battle of hurt egos that wouldn’t dare giving up their pride in the name of a greater good.
And that’s where my notion of self-importance takes place in this scenario. I haven’t yet decided if my judgement is really clear or if I’m just trying to affirm myself in an otherwise useless endeavor. How much should I give in out of love, before it breaks the boundary of my own love? How could I stablish a balanced exchange of energy with somebody who is making me optimize my mental processes and improve certain cognitive pathways, but expresses a great resistance whenever I present anything that might stand as a possible criticism to any of his traits whatsoever?
It lacks timing, intelligence and memory in me to present proves of what seems to be a sort of backfire effect bias in him. But as far as I am concerned, I’m willing to show myself vulnerable and harmless in order to make him feel as comfortable as possible around me. Both our perspectives should be equaly relevant in this relationship. I am not afraid to be wrong nor to be corrected… I’m only afraid to be silenced and have my literal cry for empathy dinyed as if I was a threat.

I wont glamourize colapsing stars anymore.

quarta-feira, setembro 05, 2018

"Consider this a passional crime"

10:34pm. My messed up room translates a mind in search of solace as it recalls earlier events.

Your place feels just like you. A mess trying to disguise itself with a superficial tidying up. Neglected by what you will always considere to be of higher priority. You're professional aptitude and potential to become a wordly known architect are not to be doubt. This has to do with your heart; with you becoming a fulfiled and happy man on your own, without the undertone of your competitive nature. But I tried to "fix" it. I thought it was something to be fixed. I tried to fix anything I could outside so I could reach you deeper withing, where the real soar scratches everytime you are confronted. It's not welcoming anymore. I'm an intruder in your place.

The limit was drawn by you. I was the one trying to expand it against your will. And only when I realised how powerless I was to ever help you excel them, everytime I'd reach a wall it would hurt. Over and over, until I noticed myself bruised all over my body... all over my brain. Opened wounds that you expected me to cover up so you could pretend they were not there when I smiled, and the banging would tear the bandages once more. Helpless and violent like a cornered up beast, I would attack.

But it was neither fault.
It was a divergence of desires and lack of them.
I can't ressonate in you if you don't open up the lit.

I was tired to feel like we were loose. How our proposals became vulgarised. I was longing for a common ground in which we could grow together. Why the fuck do you think I'd feel bad after great times? They did not seem to reverberate beyond it. When I'd go back home, it felt like I had nothing to hold on to besides the yearning of a next good time and the rescue of promisses abandoned in a couple of dusty shells. No projects, no plans, no discussing future programs toguether. Nothing beyond waiting until you told me when you'd be available again. This is why I was so insecure and in need to hear from you constantly. I wanted to feel a connection that only seemed to exit when we were in touch. How can you say "By now i know when you'll freak out. It's becoming theatrical"? If you know it, then you should have understood me a little by now. Yes, probably I'd "freak out" on any special ocasion in which you would not include me as part of your family... Your kid's birthday was a poking and twisting knife on my heart, and you rather keep poking it calling my outbursts bullshit. "STOP THE BULLSHIT"!

I couldn't stand being around your child anymore knowing you would keep confortable behind the paradox in which you felt uneased to expose her to us until you decided we were "solid", and the fact you not doing it would increasingly loosen me up and make me more unstable by the day... week... month... I spent the whole year waiting for great news. For a commitment that showed how much you wanted to be with me... That I would not be alone giving all I had. But you would only keep repressing me with that too.

So no. NO! She doesn't deserve to be exposed to our confrontations, just like she never was in any moment. But she deserves to learn about the real world. She needs to be exposed to the unconveniences and frustrations, to your real feelings (and I don't mean to become responsible of your  wellbeing, no, just to learn her dad has feelings that she should respect and naturally care for - she already has such a caring nature - nurture it), so she can learn to deal with life as it really is and be strong on her own; so she can be empathetic and help others to grow too and not yell at them when they don't meet her expectations; so she can handle greater frustrations in the future instead of falling and expecting others to fix it (no, i'm not telling you to teach her not to ask for help... i'm sugesting you to prepare her to have the courage and confidence to climb a tree; to ask for help when needed; to feel protected, not dependent; to not be afraid to fall but neither expose herself to unecessary dangers nor hide her wounds and insecurities in fear of repression. See how complex it is to rise a kid? And this was only a climb on a freaking tree!). You know I would have been a great influence to your kid and would never want to expose her to our conflicts if they would not add up to her development. You know you have been only hiding other fears in these excuses you've been giving me. You are afraid to expose yourself to a new family core and navigate through her other family half. But if you listened from any happily divorced family (not like my uncle nor other unfortunate cases where one party tries to keep on manipulating the other emotionally): what you are doing is not of much help... it only keeps her hopeful of unfair expectations (unless you expect to fulfil them). I know I asked, hehe.

You would also get so tired of trying to stop me from obsessing about your relationship with your ex, yet you never gave me satisfying answers. Only in the end you said it's not like there is nothing, is just that you don't want to talk about it. Yet I'd still feel reverberations of it. But hold on, I'm not questioning your present feelings nor what you already told me. Only that you act like your passt influences you in literal ways and that you also project this understanding in me. This shallow practicability. This straightforward enjoyment and idea that my emotional responses are bullshit if you can not understand them in these literal ways, the same time you were never opened to understand them when I tried so many times to explain them to you. I was struggling because I was never truely understood, but only expected to believe I was and get better on my own. To be happy whith what I already had and not long for more - the "more" that I needed. So I had to give up on it. Stop worrying. And it seemed like this would have to be the case to all other things. I would have to stop worrying about you so we could be a practical happy couple when you had time available. All I wanted was empathy from you, so you would help me navigate calmly in my lower curves, reminding me it would all get better.

If you had tried to listen to me closely, you would have understood I never used my pms or adhd medication as an excuse, but I explained you many times they would amplify what was already inside of me that depended on ceratin changes that you were not ready to indulge. Chemical curves would allow for things to shake up and be exposed in a much more passional way. I never said it was not me, and you know it. You always seem to say things in order to convince yourself that I was wrong for exposing you to them, to be ashamed of them. That you didn't have to change nor adapt in a mutual development as a couple. That you were always right to be mad at me - even if you were at times, because you were already giving me all you could in terms of time, money and energy. But don't think I didn't cherish these efforts less. As a matter of fact, this was exactly why I would try to balance them with other practical daily life efforts, like keeping your place organized - and it was not done as a responsability, it was done from the heart, and it only became too much when the psychological chalanges were taking too much energy out of me. I mean. You can also be mad and angry as much as you please. Catharsis is necessary, but things should be discussed and adaptations should be made in both ways so development could take place. Why can't you be confortable with flaws too? You are not less of a great person for being asked about them and your reasons.

You have a terrible habit of getting bad moments and generalising them as part of my nature before trying to understand their source. Psychological flaws are not like work place mistakes. Falling on their traps is not a sign of stupidity but a sign of struggle that hasn't been yet overcomed. I lost track of what is great in me. All these things weaken me to the limit. Which is a terrible thing. Because I didn't want to. Gosh, I didn't want to.
I wanted to feel protected just as much as I wanted to protect you as a whole.

But I'm not judging you here, at all, you don't have to change beyond what you believe is necessary - and only you can tell what's necessary in your life! I'm calmly trying to explain what I hoped to be a better scenario for our developement among our diferences. But I'm hopeful (not presumptuous) that the best for you is to be close to a person just as practical as you wished I was along all that you assumed to be good in me and suited you. A person that is not as interested to push you and insist on getting to know you deeper than what is necessary to have this practical relationship, where the two have separate lifes but enjoy their spare time toguether as greatly as possible, without knwoing both your pasts, your childhood experiences, the stories behind scars on your lips, the charming moles on your scalps. It's not a matter of time. You are not hard wired to be interested in a more psychologicaly intimate relationship. This is neither bad nor good, it's just diferent. I just hoped you'd want to, but I did not manage to inspire you... I got weak and started to attack you, the same way you would afterwards... When all I wanted was to viciously drag you into a metaphorical pool of melting souls and be part of each other.

Funny how we ended up.

Now your presence is imprinted all over my mind. It will be a hard task to stop nourishing it. Because the good things were all so beautiful. So powerful and unique... But not enough to keep the weigh of the mismatches to fall over our heads.

In your house, I realised I was not ready to let go. I acted upon a yet ongoing barganing stage of grief. So I held on to everything that was a symbol of my love to you, hoping I would inspire a more passionate reaction. I hoped for you to go crazy and run after me to work on this bargain. Maybe break a couple of glasses. But you only attacked me and made me feel like I did it in bad faith to hurt you. Again... didn't go as planned. And I'm sorry for my impulsive behaviour... I really am. I even payed top money to hire a driver on demand, no questions asked, gettaway style, before you could come back home. Hahahaha... I thought my note would give a cinematographic charm to it. But all I did was to enrage you and make you feel violated. I did not want this... You can have your letters, your drawings and portrait back.

You can have all that's left.

And no Adam. There will be nobody like me around. Neither like you.
There will be nobody so eager to get under your skin and so passionatly drawed by every inch of it. So willing to get to know you... so willing to give in. Other people like me would not have walked the extra mile, or would just idealise you once more and let you go when the muse started to show its real colors, perhaps when time would fade the external shine without ever getting in touch with the internal complexity of your personality. But you did not believe it was worth higher risks.
After pouring so much of myself into you, I became vulnerable, and when I screamed for safety, you would forget all my explanations and act protective. You were never willing to embrace me in my insecurity because you were also insecure. It's understandable and I'm very sorry for it too. Damn it, I am.

I wished so much that you would want to have me plenty.
That you would want to shout out loud that you were in love.
But it was not the case. Even after the first year, I felt overshadowed by your concern with your ex.

While I could be everything you wanted, you did not want everything I wished to be.
I can't ressonate in you.
So I'm taking myself back, but I'm taking you with me. The part that can never be replaced.

My eyes feel like stung by wasps. There is so much pouring to do. So many feelings that now become aimless... I need a recepient... A bigger one... I need to be transplanted into a forest where I can grow freely and have my roots diving as deep as they can.

I'm devastated that you are not the one. At least at this time of our lifes.
But we were the ones to each other when we met, and for as long as we were able to uplift eachother's spirits in such a hostile environment as São Paulo.

I'm happy to know you Adam. I'm happy that we lived all we lived.
And if you can still find in you the strenght to keep me in your life, as I suggested before, I will always be here. Cheering for you. Longing that time might bring us more wisdom and perhaps one day...

You are loved Adam.
And so am I.


quinta-feira, junho 07, 2018

The croocked beauty withing honesty and self conscious love

Soon it will be two years. Not that I'm ortodox about dates, nor compulsively romantic, but it's just easier to keep track of life when you get those markers in check. The times of uncompromised pour outs and mindless passion is gone, enabling matured and empiric data based guidelines. Eventhough the acertiveness of it still resembles that of a blindfolded toddler, rather than an actual computer, it's been saving us from raging storms and deep waters. We are finally sailling back to warm weather. Back to safety. Back to a common ground.
Yeah... I know it sounds kinda dull, and most of us are just erotically inclined to wiggle up the orbits of our social systems to check on our influence power and to let our thoughts be disrupted at will by self-protective reflexes, on the tinniest sign of doubt or confrontation. We learn to expect constant reasurance and yearn to feel just right in the eyes of our peers as we truely are - once adaptations require energy that is barely ever at hand these days. These self-absorbed tacticts of preservation are great ways to make any relationship feel like a crappy summer camp tug of war, made out of pure tangible mental stress, hoping to be the first to fall in the mud pool in order to pitch in that long rehersed passive agressive move. Even the most generous expressions of altruism will very likely become empty if they fail to proove something to our magnificent secretly shivering in fetal position selves. I know this because I've been there.
I held onto so much pride, it took me a long time to spot the falacies in many of my refrigerated logical arguments. Love was held with a british condescending scorn.  I shamed the voluntary commodification of dating apps (and pretty much everything else after binging on Žižek memes). Engaging on a stable relationship felt like giving away a part of my freedom and identity in order to satisfy somebody elses demands. BUT... It's not like I had the option to resist those geek chic glasses and untamed forelocks framing his ridiculous marble carved bone structure. He knocked down my breaks and once more I dipped bare face into fresh cement pavement, denying my situation as my body gradually stuck for good in a block of metaphorical cement. "If anything, I also need protection in this fucking unpredictable city, right?". Always a trick under the sleeve to keep me from reavaluating my self criticism.
He is stubborn too, almost simmetricaly to me. He keeps his vulnerabilities protected with nails and teeth so fiercely, when caugh off guard, I can sometimes imagine him chewing off his own leg if that could release him from a verbal hostage situation. He learned it from his passt experiences. We all learn it to a certain extent. Nothing more than social animals who seeks out for more controlled environments to feel safe. But he has this energy inside of him, craving for something greater, that bursts out of nowhere and fills me with urgent desires. He longs for freedom too, and yet he naturally fears the consequences of it. "Furthermore, he fears some people's opinions more than he fears loosing his freedom", I would think, "so he wants to reintroduce himself among a very selective flock as some sort of sheep dog - leading his own path and inspiring respect from the guiltylessly opulent intelectuals, who pin their achievements with categoric prooves of success". I assumed he feared the pressure and shame of not getting it, because anything less would mean mediocrity. But I realised this was usually just 'me' trying to project my mind onto his, so I'd feel less pressured to change my posture as I judged him with very little property. I just secretly wish him to lead the way, because I see so much of me in him, and yet I'm so underachieved in comparison, that it's easier to undermine his personal reasons in order to put my own in their place.
Ok, I know, my smarts turn against me constantly under emotional bias. It's a hard journey towards self improovement, and I might be part of "humanity's greatest flunk towards common evolution" just as much as those people I try to despise due to my obstinate fear of failure. The pleasure of feeling better than others has been hard wired in our brains afterall, back at the time our ancestors, who managed to outrun their slower peers, experienced a sweet rush of pleasure and relieve, passing that marker onto generations to come. Being better means being able to tailor humanity's future. Spread the genes of success and savor a tinny taste of being larger than your life span. Success means a slice of deity with lots of impunity perks.
I used to be terrified about this idea. Haunted by the constant pressure of prooving myself worth of a place in nature's hall of fame, only through the scope of what humanity has become: an overly processed and obscure version of our "primitive" selves.
Oh well. He was married to a woman who is a prime exemples of success. That, ladies and gents, kept me very close to my insecurities throughout most of our relationship. Bittering my heart after every strategical social distance and crippling any further attempt of empathy for both sides. "He yearns it. He wants it. He needs it! How can somebody allow itself to be constantly castrated if it doesn't desire it more than anything? Even more than freedom?" I mean, come ON! Plenty of values and responsabilities are strong enough to bend us against our primal desires. Parenthood; carreer; social and economical stability; the whole Maslow shit if you so desire. It's the fucking base of civilized society Pâmela do céu!
Aloof the evident platitude, it jacked my reasoning mind, because I didn't want to give him credit! I lost my mojo and gave up my true nature in order to be something as close to my idea of success as I could, in my very limited ressources. Sounds familiar, right? I did this before. I did this under my own flawed scrutiny of the social context I was exploring. It took me so long to respect and apreciate his past as an essencial part of him and stop expecting emotional neglect for it. Gosh, I could never do this myself! I am pround and greatful for the best and worse in my past, and I want him to feel the same. I've grown tired of this no brainer insecurity. Fucking hell. I'm tired just to think of it.
He is so full of life. Nothing pays off the taste of freedom I get when it's all about us. I don't care about social validation, talking fancy nor being prised by public faces who know little about themselves besides their careers or whatever fits their fragmented concepts of the human psyche, served in verses full of flourishes and self indulgence along consumption patterns... Maybe a therapist who leads them towards the right ones.
Ok. I'm drunk... And condescending... And I just had some speed tablets. But it's consciously imposed. There is no need for compensation. No need for justifications. Just bliss. 
We are cooler than trendy glammour.
We are wiser than status.
We have the intensity and simplicity of starving predators, who want nothing but pleasure, under the least effort demanding means.
Fear us!
We are proudly wild underneath our civilized garments!
Being toguether doesn't imply drastic changes, as we learn to masterize divergent poles and balance whopping contrasts. Our sense of freedom navigates our choices beyond phylosophical implications. And listening to my guts, as they almost obsessively hunger for his company, is enough to convince me that he is part of me because I value who he is and so does he.
I am happy for it. Lionhearted to openly experience and improve my potential through his perspective and vice versa. I don't care what might come next, because right now I'm happily in love with this mind blowing lad - who's also into old school hip hop and "casual black leather".

(The familiar shiver running down your spine when your eyes are pierced by an imponent presence among the crowd, followed by the rush of excitement when you know he is comming towards you)