It’s tempting to let ourselves indulge in bias that support our self-importance, making us believe our experiences are always stronger and more meaningful than those of others. That our perspectives are a higher asset to humanity’s potential as a species and that others should adapt to the almighty poetry of our mindsets and not the other way around. But very little of us know any better. As a matter of fact, we can only so well learn about the world in our own terms and limited mirror neurons stock. And for as long as we are fortunate enough to live around those who are more or less likeminded, posing as no threat to our opinions and causing very little tension in order to push us further beyond the pre-determined bubbles that make up for the base of our individuality, chances are that we will remain in mental homeostasis if we decide we are fine as it is.
Changes only happen when there is a disruption on the energetic balance of a system, and they are usually driven towards ways that can reestablish this balance with the least amount of energy loss. This is why some stars collapse, others explode, and animals who are more suitable to adapt to changes will lead the course of evolution. But when it comes to creatures who seem to have lost track of how complex the balance of their systems have become, such as us, it is only natural to expect a constant sense of chaos trying to keep track of all the possible disruptions and which one to give priority in order to what specific finality. And believe me: my brain is constantly trying to block heuristics and draw new patterns that can give clues of what would be the best answers to this problem, in every slightly different situation I’m facing. This means I’m far behind on the spectrum line of optimized energy use and my contribution to the world will most likely be ephemeral and cultural rather than… well, genetic.
Obviously, this text is all about me and my perspective on the subject, giving the first paragraph more of an apologetic tone instead of a proper neutral introduction to the subject. Subject being: YES! I am stuck in a new relationship that is driving me nuts in the same ratio it is making me happy. And before you ask yourself, these are not contradictory statements, I’m not saying I’m evenly happy and mad, I’m saying I’m around 50% happy and 50% going insane in the brain.
And considering that in other times of my life, I would have turned my ice queen shoulder or simply lost interest for i.e. whoever dared disagree with my taste in music, the fact I’m literary banging my head against the wall and chewing the inside of my mouth as I try to physically compensate the mental stress to which I’m exposed as I try to crack the solutions to the problems between us, is enough statement as it is.
'This relationship has a tremendous personal appeal to me'.
I feel like the tensions being produced here can provide opportunities for great changes. Not the ones that are beneficial only to the relationship itself, but to a mutual personal growth. If I… no… If ‘we’ manage to find the points of balance that allow our energies to flow dynamically through productive channels, we can really potentialize ourselves. Unfortunately, our tensions tend to either be based on differences that are actually motivated by similar personality traits, or insecurity and traumatic triggers for either one of us, that cause us to assume a self-protective posture, and a little too often we face a dead end where instead of preparing a ground for fruitful discussion, it turns into a battle of hurt egos that wouldn’t dare giving up their pride in the name of a greater good.
And that’s where my notion of self-importance takes place in this scenario. I haven’t yet decided if my judgement is really clear or if I’m just trying to affirm myself in an otherwise useless endeavor. How much should I give in out of love, before it breaks the boundary of my own love? How could I stablish a balanced exchange of energy with somebody who is making me optimize my mental processes and improve certain cognitive pathways, but expresses a great resistance whenever I present anything that might stand as a possible criticism to any of his traits whatsoever?
It lacks timing, intelligence and memory in me to present proves of what seems to be a sort of backfire effect bias in him. But as far as I am concerned, I’m willing to show myself vulnerable and harmless in order to make him feel as comfortable as possible around me. Both our perspectives should be equaly relevant in this relationship. I am not afraid to be wrong nor to be corrected… I’m only afraid to be silenced and have my literal cry for empathy dinyed as if I was a threat.
I wont glamourize colapsing stars anymore.
I wont glamourize colapsing stars anymore.