To my new fans

Welly welly well, isn’t life deliciously full of surprises?

Especially mine, I must say.

After almost a year, I am reminded of this memory graveyard, not because of new readers eager to connect with me through my years of processes and changes presented in my journaling, but apparently because it is being used as evidence of someone else’s “character”.

Houston, do you copy?

The subjective interpretation I had of a man, over an year ago, was subjectively interpreted by someone else, and the fragmented and highly biased conclusion was then crafted into a narrative patchwork, to prove yet another person’s subjective experience with that man, as a case against him. The funniest thing here is: I was not informed about it. I was not formally contacted by any of these people, not now, not even long before when I was open and willing to do so.

Now my words are being used >>>against my consent <<< as evidence to a case I am not even aware of. I’m sorry, but if this situation puts in evidence the character flaws of anybody, this would be the treacherous character of the person behind this sneaky little rhetorical maneuver.

And since I am a person who holds JUSTICE as her highest value, I would like to help everybody’s work by presenting my voluntary testimonial in this case.

*cleans throat*

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. My name is Pamela Martini. I am 35 years old, and if I ever dare to box myself in the name of convenient practicality, I would say I am a Brazilian independent researcher and ephemeral artist. Sounds pretty captivating, right?

So it should…

I am here to testify in the name of my good friend Herr W. I was first introduced to Herr W in December 2019, at Futergarden, by my former partner and common friend, Herr S. The only reason Herr S introduced me to Herr W, was because my partner told me he was an art enthusiast who was willing to help artists career, and would even consider sponsoring scholarships if he thought they had potential. That night we talked for quite some time, and we both felt a natural ease around each other. If I dare speak for the both of us: I would say we both automatically saw a potential friendship that could attend our most intellectual and philosophical demands, we were both starving for. Meeting him felt like reuniting with a long forgotten soul family member.

We met another couple of times at Herr S house, until I went back to Brasil, in February 2020. He analyzed my art work, to which he said was good, but still raw. In Herr W’s eyes, I had potential to develop, yet he was more interested in my verbal expression and authentic view of the world, which somehow outshined his will to help me in my artistic pursuits. He tested my research abilities and intellect, hopping I could be an ally in his personal endeavors. Yet the distance and the erratic communication via whatsapp, made it quite hard to ever pin point a clear north for us. So we remained in contact, very sporadically.

I spend a sabbatical year with my parents, working on myself and reconnecting with my spirituality. We would share some of our common grounds, along our own processes, and I was always very excited to talk to him and share my new interests, authors and theories, because I knew I would have a trustworthy vessel to unravel my understandings with the help of his perspective on the given subjects. I really grew fond of him. To a woman like me, it is very hard to meet people (especially men) who are willing to see me more as the brain, instead of the looks, even if I do take pride in my looks. You know how it goes.

But he was going through his own problems. He didn’t say much about his personal life. But if I am allowed to develop on my own perception, based on what he told me, and on my empathetic analysis of his behavioral fluctuations, I would say he was going through a harsh process of grief denial. He was in-between trying everything he possibly could (within his own psychological capability and his understanding of his role as provider and husband) to save his relationship, and the feeling of never being good enough to his spouse; as if he was doing his best to meet her needs, yet always being blamed for not understanding those needs that always seemed to change after a solution was provided. 

Unfortunately I only have my one sided understanding of the situation. More on that later.

So life went on, from 2020 to 2022. I had some sporadic romances, I went back to Sao Paulo to work as a voice actor and model, and would struggle to go beyond mere survival. I loved when he would have time to talk to me, because it felt like taking a trip to somewhere blindfolded. It is easy for a person like me to idealize inconsistency as adventure, and uncertainty as excitement. So that’s what happened. I interpreted a lot of things according to my own desires and worked around that. I knew he was not into me, even if there was flirtation at times, it was shallow and uncommitted, but for as long as the uncertainty was a present element, there was a possibility of change.

I was not cheering against his relationship. I am very pragmatic with these things. If he chose to be with her, I would do everything to support him (I wouldn’t fight for a person who doesn’t chose me mutually), yet if he would decide to separate, I wanted to make sure he knew I was around.

So when I asked him if he could help me find a job in Vienna, he was more than willing. When I arrived, I was surprised at how nice he was. He really cared for me, even though I couldn’t read him nor if he had any other intention beyond helping a friend he truly cared for. We somehow knew we both liked each other enough to want to be around. But it was not easy to define that so early on. What I can tell for sure is that he was not over his spouse, and he was definitely not interested in another romantic relationship. He was still struggling, and he was emotionally vulnerable, so it is no surprise he tried to keep control by suppressing it and being distant and casual at times and then suddenly super sweet and open, when he didn’t feel so vulnerable.

Not a nice thing to experience, I must say, but not a capital sin. Plus, I chose to stick around. I chose to take a leap of faith and see if this would eventually turn into something. I liked him, and I wanted him around. But neither of us knew how to interpret the completely new and visceral myriad of emotions we felt for each other. Maybe it was love, but not romantic love. Maybe we were both victims of conventions, trying to only experience things through a familiar filter.

So yes, it was hard for me. Big woops. But I was not the victim of a manipulative ass. I was responsible for making a decision to accept the risks with a man who was going through a lot, or to focus on myself. Nobody forced me.

Laater we decided I would go back in early February 2023, and only then we would give a chance for romance.

...

I’m sorry, but I can’t even grasp how grotesque it would be the attempt to compare what I had with him in 2022, with what a long term partner with a family would have experienced with him. This seems like the work of a person with the emotional ability of a saucer. How can you expect somebody to know you so well when you can’t do a fraction of it in return?

Even if some experiences can feel similar due to his personality, we must take under account the differences between the two people who experienced and the whole circumstance and time and external forces at play.

So... To further my humble analysis of this case.

*Letting silence sink in*

Based on my personal experiences with him, I can affirm he is extremely well intended, determined and committed, yet he does have his limitations in regards to emotional availability. Which is not necessarily a flaw; it is only a practical expression of his personal priorities. He is a man that builds and aims at long term future projects, and he might miss on the small things that make the fabric of the day to day household, sure. More than ever, if you are a woman who wants an horizontal relationship, with equal share of equal responsibilities, meaning both should contribute equally with the expenses and the household and the children, which I believe wasn’t what Herr W’s spouse was aiming for at all. Apologize if I am mistaken.

So who is to blame?

A man like him aims at a traditional household, with well defined roles, and I am more than sure he wouldn’t have a problem to give all that his spouse would desire and all the help and structure she would need to thrive as a house wife. But if the woman, who is primarily a house wife, decides now she wants to aim at her professional career, she must work around the responsibilities she was given at first. This is not sexist, this is not unfair, this is simply a healthy transaction of responsibilities in a relationship. It wouldn’t change if the woman was the provider and the man was the home maker. Either way, if she is in charge of the household, she must be responsible to find solutions to this problem, if she wants more time to work outside. If the man is the main provider, he must provide resources for her to restructure and solve these problems, which I am fairly sure was the case. I don’t see a problem in this scenario.

The problem comes when one spouse demands the other spouse to take on both share of responsibilities, and blame him/her if he/she refuses to do so!

When one spouse refuses to accept their share of the responsibility for their own choices leading to unhappiness, or even their own incompetence, they are very likely to blame the other spouse, even if they get to the point of cheating. So it also comes as no surprise when a dysfunctional dynamic rises from one spouse’s inability to be responsible for their own desires. But in the given case, and as far as I am concerned, Herr W also provided extensive psychological and therapeutic help for his partner.

I am confident Herr W was all he could be to me as a partner, during our short relationship, and the fact there were expectations from me that were not met, has nothing to do with his lack of support and willingness to be with me. It was simply a dissonance and incompatibility in what both wanted for and from that relationship. I have no problems saying that this might just have been the same case with his previous relationship.

If you don’t like how coffee tastes, there is only so much sugar, cream, frosting and syrup you can mix it with, before you compromise the essence of the damn coffee so it is finally palatable to you… What I am trying to say here is: sometimes we are just too deep in the sugar and frosting that it becomes hard to admit that we just don't like coffee. I mean, there is no shame or blame in realizing the incompatibility between spouses. It certainly becomes hard to tell apart, let alone separate what was you, what was the other and what was both, when you are so deep in a clearly uncompatible relationship, even after years of counseling and therapy have proven uneffective.

Come on - we are talking about two grown up individuals, who should be mature enough to understand and accept the situation in order to find a new configuration where both can stand each other (even if distant and seldom), with the best interest in their family (by that I mean the development of their kids in a healthy environment), not their egotistic interests, pride or spite of either one or the other.

When the worst that happened was "too much bickering and low intensity warfare", you should not focus on who did more wrongs and who did more rights. You should both realize that you have learned a lot about yourselves along the way, and that these new realizations have opened space for new desires that are not compatible and can no longer work together without causing more disruption than progress.

But sure, unfortunatly this is not always possible... Like when a wife consistently victimizes herself because she is unable to take responsability over her own life; refuses to cooperate on every attempt of peaceful divorce agreement, regardless how generous; and can't seem to keep a consistent narrative to endorse her case, because aparently she doesn't actually want to divorce from the man she relentlesly portrays as a controlling and unsuportive shitty husband (who was actually just tired of her increasing demands to fulfill her every need, while also being held accountable for her frustrations and failures). Yeah... I understand this must be hard, but it sounds to me like she either suffers from Stockholm syndrome, or she is gatekeeping to ensure benefits she knows she wouldn't get unless she could blame the husband, because of a certain prenuptial agreement. But what do I know?

In any case...

Grow up!

Seriously.

And be well!

Find what you really love and be happy!

Sincerely

Pamela